Cabin Pressure Thailand
by Cabinlock221
Summary: It's just another normal day at MJN air, which obviously means complete chaos ensues. It's also Arthur's birthday and Douglas is late for work.


Cabin Pressure – Thailand

Written by

Olivia Scott

SCENE 1

MARTIN

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the star ship enterprise this morning. I am Captain Kirk and this is my first officer Mr Spock.

ARTHUR

Good morning sirs and madams, your royal highnesses, I am Mr Spock, I will be your Mr Spock for today, our expected arrival is in 100 light years.

MARTIN

That is not actually so far off the truth, especially if first officer Richardson doesn't get here soon.

(OPENING CREDITS)

SCENE 2 - COCKPIT

ARTHUR

Thanks skip that was brilliant.

MARTIN

That's alright, but Arthur are you sure you don't want to do something else on your birthday?

ARTHUR

Why would I, flying is my favourite thing to do especially when I flying to a land of ties. And mum has said she'll buy me something from duty free and I've already decided what I want.

MARTIN

A giant toblerone?

ARTHUR

_(Amazed)_ How did you guess

MARTIN

I've been here too long.

(CAROLINE enters)

CAROLINE

Good morning driv… _(confused) _Martin

MARTIN

I wouldn't have thought it would be that much of a surprise, I do work here

CAROLINE

Work in the loosest sense of the word. Where's Douglas?

MARTIN

Don't know he's not normally **this **late. But I can fly by myself. I am the **captain**

CAROLINE

Martin I have tried to explain this to you many times before and I hope never to have to explain this again, you are the captain but you are not the better pilot. And anyway Mr Moloey has paid for two pilots.

ARTHUR

Mum, mum I can help fly

CAROLINE

Arthur dear, I'm going to be mean to you because it's your birthday, but in the nicest way, get lost.

ARTHUR

_(Cheerily) _Ok

(Arthur leaves)

CAROLINE

What am I going to do? I can't cancel this flight.

(Phone rings)

MARTIN

Douglas?

DOUGLAS

Bonjour misour, listen I don't think I can be bothered coming in.

MARTIN

Um Douglas.

DOUGLAS

So I need you to tell Caroline I'm ill, tell her I have scurvy or something.

CAROLINE

_(Shouting) _Douglas

DOUGLAS

_(Surprised) _Caroline, I thought you would be picking up Mr Moloey.

CAROLINE

He may have hired a charter plane but, as you may have guessed because he's picked us, he's tight so he's driving himself here so we can't charge him for the car. But unless you get here before he does I'm going to charge you for the plane and the car I'm going to use to run you over with!

DOUGLAS

_(exasperated) _I'm on my way.

SCENCE 3 - COCKPIT

(CAROLINE enters)

CAROLINE

See Martin that is exactly why I need Douglas because of flying like that.

MARTIN

_(Smugly)_ Actually Douglas did take off.

CAROLINE

What really? Are you actually ill Douglas?

DOUGLAS

I was doing an impression.

MARTIN

Of a blind man?

DOUGLAS

(_Coolley) _No, of you.

CAROLINE

I am a patient woman but all my patients is being used up on Arthur today so if you don't start doing your job properly ill…

DOUGLAS

Fire me?

CAROLINE

Yes and worse.

(CAROLINE exists)

DOUGLAS

_(Sarcastically)_ Oh I'm scared.

SCENE 4 - KITCHEN

CAROLINE

How is the birthday boy?

ARTHUR

Is it Mr Moloey's birthday?

CAROLINE

No Arthur I was asking how you were because it's your birthday.

ARTHUR

Oh right then, well I feel brilliant. Mr Moloey is asleep and I've made a new friend.

CAROLINE

Who else is… wait Arthur please tell me you don't mean the parrot?

ARTHUR

Snoop a doop is your friend is your friend so why can't Polly be mine?

CAROLINE

No that's absolutely fine I'm glad you have finally found a friend with the same IQ as you.

ARTHUR

Ok do you want a drink.

CAROLINE

No I'll do it; you go and talk to your friend.

SCENE 5 - COCKPIT

MARTIN

Do you want to play a game?

DOUGLAS

Ok how about Simon says again?

MARTIN

Ok

DOUGLAS

Simon says shut up.

(Pause)

MARTIN

Douglas?

DOUGLAS

Given up so soon, shame, I rather enjoyed that

MARTIN

_ (Tentatively)_ How's Helena?

DOUGLAS

_(Matter a fact tone) _Don't know I don't see her anymore, we are getting a divorce and I'm dating my lawyer

MARTIN

I'm sorry, are you ok?

DOUGLAS

Me, well in the words of the great Arthur (_Crude impersonation of Arthur)_ I'm brilliant!

MARTIN

If you want someone to talk to or go for a drink sometime, I'm always here.

DOUGLAS

Thanks Martin but I should explain my lawyers a woman.

MARTIN

No, no, no, I just meant, I, I'm not gay. I went on a date with a woman.

DOUGLAS

Really, you went on a date that has cheered me up.

MARTIN

Well she went to the toilet at the break and didn't come back.

DOUGLAS

You took her to the theatre, you old romantic.

MARTIN

An air show actually.

DOUGLAS

Oh dear maybe you should try men, you aren't having much luck with women.

SCENE 6 - KITCHEN

ARTHUR

Who's a pretty Polly then?

PARROT

Arwk

ARTHUR

Arwk, arwk, arwk, arwk

CAROLINE

What are you doing?

ARTHUR

I'm talking to her, she doesn't speak English.

CAROLINE

And you don't speak parrot but you can do what you like, I'm going to waste the rest of the flight reading.

(CAROLINE exits)

ARTHUR

Does pretty Polly want a biscuit?

PARROT

Arwk

ARTHUR

Good girl, here you are.

PARROT

_(Makes chocking noise)_

ARTHUR

Uh oh

SCENE 6 – COCKPIT

DOUGLAS

Anyway it doesn't matter, I was bored anyway.

MARTIN

Douglas?

DOUGLAS

Umm

MARTIN

What are you talking about?

DOUGLAS

Nothing. Just thinking about how much better my life is than your pathetic excuse for an existence.

MARTIN

Just because you're upset doesn't mean that you can bully me.

DOUGLAS

I'm sorry… Martin, look at me.

MARTIN

Douglas it might have escaped your notice but I am actually flying an aeroplane and its probably best if I keep my eyes on the road, well sky.

DOUGLAS

Fine, you don't have to look.

MARTIN

Douglas what are you d…

(Kissing noise)

MARTIN

Well, erm, that was, err, hm

DOUGLAS

Sorry, I've been a bit lonely.

MARTIN

Don't apologise it was…

DOUGLAS

Good?

MARTIN

Interesting

DOUGALS

Want to try again?

MARTIN

Hell yes!

(Kissing noise)

(CAROLINE enters)

CAROLINE

Well I've just left Arthur ta…

(Kissing stops)

MARTIN

Caroline, it's not what it looks like.

DOUGLAS

Martin has been bit by a snake and I was sucking the poison out.

CAROLINE

_(Slowly) _A snake bit Martin.

MARTIN

Yer on my leg, look I've got a scare.

CAROLINE

Why was Douglas sucking the poison out of your mouth then?

DOUGLAS

It bit him in the mouth as well.

CAROLINE

It went from your ankle to your mouth before you manage to stop it .

MARTIN

There were two snakes.

CAROLINE

So there were in fact snakes on a plane, more specifically snakes on this plane?

MARTIN DOUGLAS

Yes No

CAROLINE

Whatever you do in your spare time is none of my business just don't do it on my plane, when I am paying you.

MARTIN

But

CAROLINE

Or even when I'm not paying you Martin.

(CAROLINE exits)

MARTIN

Well I think she bought that.

SCENE 7 – KITCHEN

ARTHUR

_(Slightly breathless) _Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty. Breath

(CAROLINE enters)

CAROLINE

Oh for heaven sake. What is wrong with everyone today?

ARTHUR

Mum, you have to help me I'm trying to do CPR.

CAROLINE

On a parrot? Arthur its dead, its cold. How long have you been doing this for?

ARTHUR

About forty minutes.

CAROLINE

CPR doesn't work on parrots.

ARTHUR

My tongue tastes funny.

CAROLINE

Even when you do it properly you don't put your tongue in you idiot boy! You've been snogging a parrot for the past forty minutes!

SCENE 8 – COCKPIT

DOUGLAS

Post landing checks completed captain.

MARTIN

Thank you Douglas.

(CAROLINE enters)

CAROLINE

Well I've managed to convince Mr Moloey not to sue us for killing his parrot and Arthur is enjoying his toblerone. You two alright?

DOUGLAS

Fine, why wouldn't we be?

CAROLINE

Was just thinking about earlier

DOUGLAS

I have no idea what you are talking about

CAROLINE

Fine

(CAROLINE leaves)

MARTIN

So we're ok then?

DOUGLAS

What happens in the air stays in the air, Martin

MARTIN

That offer of a non-alcoholic drink is still on offer

DOUGLAS

I have a girl friend

MARTIN

(_Confused) _Hum

DOUGALS

My lawyer, remember

MARTIN

Oh yer

DOUGLAS

But I'll think about it, thanks

(CLOSING CREDITS)


End file.
